If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Always…
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*