Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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Traveler’s camo
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*