At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
You Might Also Like
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.