the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[montage of me giving-up]
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian