Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Phonetics
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.