[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold