“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
pizza
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.