The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
black phone good
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
SCARY COSTUME
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.