By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no