Every house has this drawer
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*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Seems a bit forward
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.