Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.