When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
BRO LMFAO
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…