If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?