Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
You Might Also Like
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I don’t think my car can fly
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early