I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk