Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
OH. COME. ON.