Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad