“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
every college guy’s fridge
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice