If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.