Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.