God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’ve been learning to cook.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.