One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
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I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Weighing up my bread heating options
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
hear me out : pockets for your socks
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Dishonest mechanic?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.