People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Bruh PLEASE
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
road rage
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.