boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
respect
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently