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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
his wife is probably gonna see that
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means