I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman