Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.