A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Based Erika
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
#growingpains
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese