Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
work smarter, not harder
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
