Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Is your wife single?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth