I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?![]()
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
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The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married