[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?