My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.