*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
There is no “we” in pizza
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
This a good idea
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.