Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
You Might Also Like
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My dating profile:
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Based Erika
Bros before Ohioes
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”