Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao