I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
is nasa ok
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Optional boss fight.