Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Mouse
Festive toon…
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
A man of commitment.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Overindulged this afternoon.