Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
couldn’t resist
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My dad teaching me to drive
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.