My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
This forever.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.