The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My boss called in sick of me
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
what
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck