The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
There is no try. There is only give up.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
How wrong was this guy?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started