PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
You Might Also Like
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I only treason on days ending in y
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳