If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares