Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
channeling her this year
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem