Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.