Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.