You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???