The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Finally
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*