Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
2022 be like
![]()
I WON A HAM TODAY
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
![]()