Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
How wrong was this guy?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.