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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.